Please Keep Your Bloody Tootsie Rolls to Yourselves

Book: Skagboys

Author: Irvine Welsh

Music: Slags, Slates, Etc.

Artist: The Fall

I wonder what that ‘Etc.’ in this song title might cover? If it’s unspeakably vile things then first in line would be Tootsie Rolls. America’s a great country but Tootsie Rolls? WTF?

Were they something created from old engine grease and ear wax during The Great Depression? I can visualize great sprawling warehouses in decrepit grey neighborhoods filled with thousands of crosslegged urchins rolling long ropes of this stuff before being forced to dance all over them in razor blade-soled shoes, chopping them into bite sized chunks while some cigar-chewing Daddy Warbucks slobbers through his laughter.

I write this as my kid is about to go out trick or treating this Halloween night. She’ll inevitably come back with a sizeable proportion of her haul made up of fucking Tootsie Rolls. People are bastards.

What’s going to be left after the nuclear apocalypse? Cockroaches and Tootsie Rolls. And the Tootise Rolls will outlast the cockroaches by aeons.



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